Friday, March 19, 2010

Ending, Beginning, Both the Same

I keep telling myself it's "understandable" or "it's natural" and it seems to help. Even landslides and earthquakes and tsunamis are natural. Understandable.

Change, turmoil, devastation. Rebirth, renewal. Nature is nothing if not ever-changing. Thus, change is purely natural. Anyway.

The lonely room I find myself in, it's comfortable and it's safe. I've lived my life unthinkingly, for the most part, and I was so terrified of change that I boxed myself into the exact situation I've dreaded.

What DO you do when you've lost touch with friends and family? Lost your job and your lease? Lost your relationship with a person you esteemed and loved more than was bearable at times?

I don't have a fucking clue or I would've been prepared for all of this. Basically, I'm telling myself until I believe it that change is natural. Even if it really fucking hurts. Being open to change is freedom. It's why nature doesn't stress itself out when transitioning from summer to fall, it just goes with the flow. It's all connected anyway. This is what I'm learning to hold as my truth, rather than the truth that said we'd be in love forever because it was meant to be. No, the truth is like the natural world, I suspect. Ebb and flow. Wax and wane. Destruction and reconstruction.

If it weren't for a few choice herbs, though, I doubt I'd feel this sane. I'm actually slightly happy about the unknown right now, which is an unbelievably huge step for me. I still ache like a rotten nerve, but I don't want to die and I don't want to be dead while living, so I have to feel and breathe and move and so that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to savor the moments when I do feel love for myself and the world around me. I used to focus ALL my love on this one person and it strangled us both. I never thought love could cause such pain, but it makes sense. It couldn't hurt so much without the depth of love.

But it's not all gone, nor is it all fixed. It's part of the universal ebb and flow, now. Nothing ever truly disappears. I do believe, as does he, that love exists like any other energy, that it can't be destroyed entirely, but it can change. And I know that we still share that love we always have. If only love were enough to pay bills, to pay rent, to buy food, or to make all the darkness go away. It isn't, even though it's unfair to love to blame it for perceived failures. Those failures are within the individual. I feel so awful for not taking my life seriously until now, after possibly losing my best friend for good. How could I have existed as I have for the past two years? It's unimaginable, but it happened and I have to learn from it yadda yadda. Sigh.

I just wish I had close friends. The quiet moments, like now, are so hard. I start to feel so anxious, so claustrophobic, even if I'm outside. Trapped in my mind. Blech. He's got friends to distract himself with. Heck, he probably relishes the lack of emotional compromise. I get that. That shit makes sense. I can't begrudge him wanting to live his life without the black hole of my anxiety. Fuck, I don't want to live like that either. And I guess he knew how much it would take to shock me into getting back into the driver's seat. I love metaphors. I also want to love myself like I never have before. I want to. And I kinda am. These are some of the most extraordinary developments in my life. The burgeoning relationship with sanity.

Anyway. My most exciting goals right now are to find gainful employment and to find feminist/pagan friends.

Things I'm Doing to Keep Sane:
1. DIY Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Catch each negative-irrational thought and render it powerless with positive-rational thoughts.
2. Find the sunshine in each moment, if you can, when you need. Don't forget how it feels, the warmth, the brightness, the comfort. That's when you're loving yourself.
3. Feel gratitude. Toward the world, the universe, the Goddess. Toward change.
4. Take herbs that want to heal you, like St. John's Wort, Skullcap, and the other HERB-that-shall-not-be-named. We are so connected to the plant world, I believe nourishing one another is magick.
5. Meditate. I'm into meditating with the help of I-Doser, this strange little program that interacts with your brainwaves to calm, stimulate, or excite you. I'm not sure if it works like it promises to (does anything?) but I've felt remarkable during my few sessions.

Lists are good. So is this fucking weather. I haven't felt this healthy in ages. Thank you Spring, thank you Goddess. Gonna take the pup for a walk to a park, gonna enjoy the random experiences of the city, and I'm gonna job-hunt and work on Etsy until I feel accomplished. I mean, what I stand to gain from all of this, if I make it through alive, is absolutely thrilling. A dynamic life, one that I actually want and strive for, rather than a meek existence of fear and taking what I could. Bah. No, I don't do myself justice, I know. It's not all this black-and-white.

The fact that we experienced such good things together means that despite all the bad, it is possible to feel exhilaration and love and joy, not just heartbreak. I'm gonna go with that. It's all good. Mostly. Anyway.

1 comment:

cowboyboot lady said...

I am SO sorry that you are going through this. But, I am very glad that we have been connected. I have gone through something so similar just a few months ago. I am glad that you are seeing the possibilities in your new freedoms. Change can be a good thing. And let me tell you, it has been amazing for me. I was in true despair for a while, really hard on myself. But, now I am content with myself just the way I am..not relying on anyone else to make me happy. Stay strong! You can do this! One day at a time! Serious. And I will get back to you on, What would I do??? Because I've been doing it for the past eight months. Talk soon.